life of N is temporarily goin thru some technical difficulties...
sorri for the inconvenience...

if only i was ur woman...

I guess it didn't really hit me until last night, when I figured that M was leaving, that he was actually going away to the airforce, for the next four years and I was never going to see him again. All this time, I had waited and wasted my time, thinking that he was going to be here forever, by my side so I could run to him when I needed to, but now I realize I was horribly wrong. He's leaving all of us behind, to follow his dreams and just even thinking about whats ahead makes it harder to breathe....
when it comes to the topic of waste the only thing that comes to mind is Romeo...he is regret smushed together with disgust, hatred and yukk!...
i remember at goose's party dancing with him, peering over at M, wondering what he was thinking, whether he was disappointed, whether he was jealous and most importantly whether he'd care...now thinking back on it, I cringe...whilst the entire experience might've helped me learn, it was merely a huge waste of time that I could have possibly spent with M...!
The realization unfortunately didn't hit me until last night. The entire preparation leading up to M's going away party was partly focused on impressing certain individuals attending the event but most importantly targetted at making Romeo jealous. I thought seeing his face screwed up and morbid would take my misery go away, but I realised it was something I cared ever so little about. Honestly even if he had've had sex with a slice of oily pizza, I wouldn't have given a rats arse. I was just trying to save the moment, to save that night, the night I'd see him for the last time for a very long time, the night our story would finally come to an end...although I was smiles all round, dancing around like a lunatic, flirting outrageously with different men, deep inside I could feel my heart shivering. My bones weak, crying for someone to hold me before I lost balance and fell...
And when it all ended, it was too late, I realized I had fallen a long time ago. I'd held on, asking him to pull me back, but he had let go, and the time had come for me to accept that he was gone...FOREVER!!!..

Plane Letter to M
Do you remember the first time we met?...You don't do you?...I do...you were wearing a white shirt with jeans and loafers...you were smiling the entire night, dancing away like there was no tommorrow. I was so lonely I remember, I didn't no anyone properly and at one point you had taken my hand spun me around and held me, made me feel so safe for one second, and that was all I ever needed from you. There was nothing to be said...I fell for you...
So I ask you M, how can one person fall in love with another so quickly, when the other doesn't even no....when the other doesn't even care...?...Where did i fall short?...what made you decide to not take a chance with me...?...how can you not see how much I love you...how can you miss me trying to impress you, how can not see me shy and anxious around you...how..?...am not good enough for you?...am I too loud, flirtacious, stoopid, clumsy and slutty for you...?...what is that you want from me....?...
I'm sorry to bother you...but that video that I made for you the other night at your partay...I lied...I told everyone I made it because I enjoyed filming and making videos...but honestly the only reason I spent hours of my time to make it was because of you M...becuase I love you...and because I wanted you to see how much I cared...because I wanted to see whether you cared...and it was soo obvious...your answer...couldn't have been any clearer...and I'm sorry...that I'm telling you all this now...but I had to...before you left...so that if you ever felt alone, you'd remember that I was here...I am always here...I'll always love you with all of my heart....
Please take care of yourself...I know the first few weeks are going to be hard, but I no you can get through them...follow your heart...and I hope all your dreams come true...
I love u M...
xoxo
N

If I was you woman
And you were my man
You'd have no other woman
You'd be weak as a lamb
If you had the strength
To walk out my door
My love would over rule my sense
And I'd call you back for more

If I was your woman
(If I was your woman)
If I was your woman
(If I was your woman)
And you were my man

Yeah
She tears you down Darling
Says you're nothing at all
But I'll pick you up Darling
When she lets you fall, 'cause
You're like a diamond
But she treats you like glass
Yet you beg her to love you
But me you won't ask

If I were your woman
(If I were your woman)
If I were your woman
(If I were your woman)
If I was your woman
Here's what I'd do
I'd never, never, no, no, no stop loving you

Yeah
Life is so crazy
And love is unkind
Because she was first darling
Will she hang on your mind
You're a part of me
But you don't even know it
I'm what you need
But I'm too afraid to show it

If I were your woman
(If I were your woman)
If I were your woman
(If I were your woman)
If I were your woman
Here's what I'd do
I'd never, never, no, no, no stop loving you

If I were your woman
Here's what I'd do
I'd never, never, never stop loving you

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah


If I were your woman
And you were my man
If I were your woman
And you were my man
If I were your woman
Here's what I'd do
I'd never, never, no, no, stop lovin' you
If I were your woman

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

FUK FUK FUK...i've misplaced my ipod nano...AGAIN...just like everything else i loose (aka camera, wallet, mobile)...wot the fuk is wrong with me....?...i'm so careless, I have no value whatsoever for anything...I think its about time that I learnt a lessson and loose this one, like completely...someone should steal it just to ensure that I feel bad and so I don't do it again....I'm sooo angry with myself right now.....I keep wasting money like it has no worth...I forgot to enrol, so thats hundred dollars, now with the loss of this ipod, valued at 400 dollars I think I want to kill myself....
Facsit Forkbrain is having a going away BBQ, Romeo might come (or he might be the lazy shit he always is and stay home). I believe he has blocked me on msn, as he is never online, but he is talking to Facist Forkbrain all the time...I knew I should have blocked him before that. I'm always the one to make the second move...makes me sick...
Oh well, should be interestin...IF he decides to turn up...
Last night at Ash's bday there were absolutely NO HOT MEN...and the only hot ones there were never to be seen as they were (most probably) smoking pot down the road....
I'm so angry at myself for leaving my handbag open and revealed for millions of random kids to paw through....now the result is a MISSING IPOD...*applause for me*....
the funny thing is, whilst in sydney I nearly lost my handbag, and last night at one point I lost my camera tooo....someone should eat me alive for this...I literally want to die...!...NOW....
My hair is icck, but i'm soo depressed I cbf doing it...even if Romeo is coming....
Hopefully M will show up too...
xoxo
N

Do NOT pick up...WOTEVA u Do

Eyes and headache pain: V HIGH
Level of Romeo Hatred: Futile...check his fb every hour or so to see whether he is rotting without me...I FUKING HATE HIM!
Mission gave me good advice today: stay single, work hard...
Asha's partay 2mz...a little xcited, and totally LOVE Mamamia for making my dress for me. Even if it doesn't look as good as the others, I dun't really care..!!...shall stay away from sexc boys 2mz....(shudn't be too hard...as they'd probs be none interested in me.....M wud continue to ignore me....BIG WHOOP)...shall worry about drivin and deep sea dragon instaed...SUPERB...!
xoxo
N

Sydney/Newcastle Trip Trip

Thursday 15th January-Day1
No huge dramas really. We drove to the airport in complete silence, then smoothly made our way to our boarding gate at least one and a half hours early due to delay in the scheduled flight and also because we were all so anxious that we'd for some ridiculous reason miss the flight. The plane journey wasn't all that eventful either. There was a bit of entertainment from the two humongous men who pushed in front of us as we lined to board the flight. Firstly there was a huge dilemma because their hand luggage was so massive that it wouldn't fit in the cabin baggage holder. For almost 5 minutes the entire plane watched in awe as the helpless flight attendant tried to squeeze the mammoth bag into the tiny hole, whilst for some reason apologizing to the fat men (when clearly it was their fault) and yelling loudly "who approved this."... Clearly we wern't that lucky because one of our seats was with them. Mamamia decided to sit next to them after I refused to go near them several times. Besides this incident, Mamamia and I laughed during the flight about the two fat men several times, joking about how one of them used Mamamia's remote to turn up the volume and change channels, ans how one of them spoke exteemely loudly with his earpones stuck deeply into his ears. Once we got off the flight we made our way to the train station below the aiport to be horrified by the prices of the tickets. Mamamia was so stressed at this point she started pacing around in circles, yelling at us pointlessly. Because the flight had been delayed, we had missed the train we had planned to catch and the prices of the tickets was making the entire process ridiculously difficult. So we took the easy way out and took a taxi to our destination, costing approximately 120 dollars, although worth it considering the comfort factor. So we arrived at Maryong a little close to mid-night and greeted our host family (one of Mamamia's old friends). The dad, mum and older daughter were all awake and greeted us very happily despite the time of hour we decided to show up. All three of them seemed much larger than the last time I saw them, the mum especially different. She was a breast cancer suffer (the main reason for the trip) and she looked the worst. Her hair was gone, her skin was abnormally darker and her arms were swollen from the excess fluid. I tried not to notice, I tried to be oblvious to it all, but I couldn't help myself from staring and pitying her. She didn't deserve any pity from me, because from her manner it was easy for any idiot to tell that she held much more strength and self-confidence than myself anyday. I quickly insepcted the house and the room that we had to sleep in. Everything was very adequate, nothing compared to the luxury I live in everyday, but it was enough. The bathroom and toilet was a disaster though. I couldn't even get myself to step inside the bathroom to brush my teeth. There was carpet on the ground, clothes everywhere and the smell wasn't enticing either. The toilet refused to flush at all, so I just pretended not to notice. Mamamia and my grandma snored their way through the night and I had a horrible sleep.
Friday 16th January-Day 2
I woke up to the sounds of the voices of the mum, mamamia and my grandma in the lounge. They were discussing the cancer treatment, the side affects and the suffering she had to endure. Apparently her entire body was burnt, charcoal colour, her hair was missing her arms swollen to the missing lympnodes. Her breast was off course gone, and the side affects of the chemotherapy seemed to be harsh aswell. I had heard about how horrible cancer was in the past, but never like this, from a cancer sufferer, so directly. It all seemed really horrible, and I felt so sorry for her and her family, yet still amazed at the strength they all had to still carry on everyday besides the predicament that shawdowed their lives everyday. Whilst I continued to fake sleep I overheard a conversion between Mamamia and my grandmother about the toilet. Mamamia claimed she had to usea bucket of water because the flusher wouldn't work. I was horrified, but was sure that I'd never have to do this. About 10 minutes later I was forced to not only used one bucket, but rather two buckets to wash away m performance in the toilet bowl. We made our way to the city, regardless of the high prices of the train tickets because my grandmother hadn't seen Syndey before. The mum had taken a day off, for us, so I felt horrible for leaving her to go do our own thing, but for some reason Mamamia felt that this was perfectly fine, so I didn't bother to bring up the matter. After a scenic ferry ride, a handbag stealer scare and big lunch at a stuffy Macdonalds we made our way to Westmead where a sister of one of our family friends lived. She picked us from the station with her loud son and we made our way to her house. She insisted that we should visit a local temple and that I should wear something more appropriate with less skin revealing, and before I could really take the matter into consideration the matter was no longer an issue because my grandmother had decided we were going. Her husband was still at work when we arrived at her small apartment. I was so relieved because I really didn't want to see him at all. I once had a crush on him, and it had turned into one of those awkward crushes, where you didn't talk to him, where you didn't look at him, and where you blushed like mad when you heard his name in some random covnersion. Plus, he was married and old, and I was completely insane! We all took advantage of the clean bathroom on this occasion and all had quick showers before we went to the temple. On our way to the temple, for some odd reason I was admitting to the fact that was highly unethused. Usually when we made a trip to the temple, despite the fact that inside I was really begging to stay home, I'd lie to myself and pretend that I was really excited. On this occasion I'd for some odd reason completely accepted the fact that I didnt want to go. And when we arrived and had decided to stay for the next hour to take part in some praying session I found myself yelling inside even more. I couldn't explain what it was, but now thinking back on the situation I guess it was the guilt from the past, screaming inside of me. The hour was a torture, I found myself continuously glancing at the clock. I kept thinking of the mum at home, waiting for us...disapointed. After the session had finished, I wanted to get home ASAP, so I was even more angrier when Mamamia thought it would be appropriate to go home and have a cup of tea. Besides the disapointment of keeping the mum waiting, I was even more horrified because now, I had to face this random woman's husband, whom that I had once had a crush on....GREAT..!!!...and...finally once we had got home, the situation became even more awkward, and atmosphere so thick that one could cut it with a knife. He was exactly the same as I had remembered him. Maybe a little darker and more older, but his exceptional confidence and attractive out-going manner had to changed a bit. I still liked this guy, and I didn't want to be anywhere near him, so sitting in his lounge, and quietly nodding as he greeted me as....'DAUGHTER'...was more torturous than using a bucket to manually flush a toilet. They all dropped us home in what was an even more awkward car ride. They planned to go swimming in a random river the next day..(GREAT!!!)...I wanted to drown myself in unflushable toilet. We came home around 10, and I made my way to our room with the same level of guilt I always had when I returned from extravagant parties in the early hours of the morning. I rushed to our room, glancing shortly at the faces of the mum, dad and older daughter to detect any disapointment. I was hopeless at reading faces, so I just gave up and just made my way to our room to inspect how well I looked in the mirror(The green dress I had purchased had made me look so gordy, I was really digusted, but hoping inside that he really liked girls who were gordy, considering his wife was). They had made their way to the doorstep and I was hoping and waiting paitiently for them to leave, when he called the juvenile delinquent and me, which forced me to leave my room to wave goodbye. I didn't think about the guilt afterwards of disapearing into my room, possibly due to the fact that I was relieved they were gone, yet worrying about the day ahead which involved a river and him with his wife and kid. The food wasn't outstanding, it lacked a bit of salt and spices here and there, but the effort she had made to please us was so evident. I couldn't help feeling even more guilty for not spending the day with them to help, but in the end there was really nothing I could do but compliment the food and smile. Juventile elinquent and I got to know the older sister a little better, she was very nice and polite. The night before I hadn't thought she was all that attractive, infact I worried because she was very loud (not talkative, just loud). Now sitting in the lounge closely inspecting her, I found that she was a lot like her dad, beautiful and very unique. Mamamia stayed up talking with the mum and the dad till around mid-night. I guess this was her way of apologizing. I continued to ignore the toilet and bathroom. I slept better.
Saturday 17th January-Day 3
I woke up in complete misery, in fact I didn't want to get up at all. Firstly it was cold for some odd reason, and secondly it was the river day that I was dreading so much. Mamamia made me get up though, I had to use two buckets to flush the toilet again, I brushed my teeth, and I ate. I was so relieved to hear that the mum, dad, older daughter and younger daughter were all coming with us. Made the level of awkwardness drop to a less degree of severity because at least I could make conversation with them. Even though I was dreading seeing them, when they were late on arrival I became really annoyed. Not because of anything else except the fact that they were making the our host family wait. The mum, despite her illness had put so much energy into waking up early in the morning to cook for the mini-trip that making her wait for anything seemed digusting. They finally came, I had made my way to my bed to avoid the host family because I was feeling guilty yet again, and also because it was cold. I didnt like the thought of swimming in a random river somewhere in the bush, where there could be crocodiles and snakes, and when it was really cold. So I hesitantly made my way outside and avoided greeting him by being fake interested in some randome siamese bony cat. I couldn't avoid him forever, so when I made my way to jump into the four wheel drive, he opened the door for me....calling me 'daughter'...AGAIN...and then once I had go in, my legs fully revealed as I was wearing very short shorts, he stood with his arms holding the car caging me, waiting for his wife and Mamamia to resolve some issue to do with the food. I avoided all eye contact quite possibly in the most uncomfortable few seconds of my life. It wasn't too long though before he shut the door and we were on the road. I sat behind him and was quick to plug my ipod speakers as far as I could into my ears to avoid all forms of conversation what so ever. I began to feel guilty for leaving Mamamia to do all the conversing, but couldn't get myself to socialize just because he was in the car. At one point I had to take off my speakers though to answer a question the wife had asked. She was wondering what I was studying, so I told her in my croaky voice that was Arts/Law, and recieved atbsolutely no reaction from anyone in the car probably because no one knew what it was. I had considered just mentioning Law, just to sound more intellectual but had decided to do so otherwise just because I wasn't in the mood to impress anybody. I was a little hurt though afterwards because none of them appreciated the hard work I had done, and none of them knew what an achievement I had made. I thought about it breifly then just decided to forget it all together because I had faced the same dilemma one too many times. After a long drive we arrived at a shallow yet beautiful lake, the scenary was amazing and the water was warm. It was really peaceful and I found myself just lying in the water by myself just reminscing about Romeo and my life. Off course I did everything humanly possible to avoid him, but sometimes I was in situations where I couldn't do anything and I could tell I was growing more fond of him. At point after we had made our way to the car from the river, I remember saying...'that was hard'....only to him, when it was just the two of us and him agreeing with me with just a simple 'yeah'...in return...for some reasom when i initially said it, it felt good that i atleast made the situation less awkward by saying something, but the moment juevenile delinquent pestered me about what I said i began to regret saying it. Afterall, it was in a way stupid because I didn't even speak to him and all of sudden I say something that is really random. He must've thought I was really strange. On the way back, I was a little more cheery. I sat across from him, and from time to time, I found myself glancing at him quickly and just admiring his masculine features. Even though we were making our way to another temple, which I wasn't really happy aboout, I didn't seem to care as much as I did the day before. However even at the temple, I found myself childishly hiding behing Mamamia, holding onto to her and avoiding all eye contact with him. At one point he was teasing a lazy cat that lived at the temple and I had no choice but to follow Mamamia to his side. I was so fond of him at this moment. Despite everything he seemed so perfect for one second. On the way home from the temple, the dad came to him to ask him to come home for dinner. He refused vehemently which made me feel so bad for the dad because he seemed to be having fun after a long time in his life. Nevertheless he came with his family to have tea for about 20 minutes. At one point I felt like he was avoiding me, when he went to the backyard. But then thinking about it now, it seems he only went to play with his son and the other kids and I was just my insane self. He sat next to me whilst we all drank tea, leaning his weight towards me, no one spoke and I was happy that way. When they left, the wife kissed everyone goodbye. He stood in the middle of it all, was less touchy and said goodbye to everyone through eye contact. I had to gather all the strength I had to say goodbye. When our eyes met, I smirked cheesily and waved naively. He returned his goodbye with is usual smile and a small wave. And that was it, they left, I walked outside to say goodbye, and I never saw them again for the rest of the time we spent in Sydney. After we ate, Mamamia and the rest of the family discussed going to Newcastle. For some reason I had grown to accept the bathroom and I had decided to shower. I was tired and sitting on the couch and going through the hassel to go to Newcastle seemed pointless. At the end of the night, we had decided to stay in Sydney and ditch Newcastle. Apparently there was nothing to see anyway and I had to remind Mamamia why we had come on holiday in the first place. It was pointless to roam other cities when the cancer sufferer was there in Sydney. So considering the fact that we no longer had to stress about waking up early in the morning Mamamia and my grandmother gossiped with the mum and dad once again till a little close to one whilst juevenile delinquent, the older daughter and I sat perched atop the couches with the cat watching television. When I went to sleep that night I thought about him. For some reason 'us' felt completely sane, despite how ridiculous the idea was. Now that I was to not see him for a long time, I was free to let my mind roam to whereever it wanted.
Sunday January 18th-Day4
I slept in, but it didn't feel like I did because Mamamia woke me up again. We decided to go shopping at the local shopping centre. We all caught the train and the dad led us everywhere inside. During the train journey, juevenile delinquent and I had one of our usual fights. This time it was regaring the purchase of an ipod, where I was trying to persuade him to not buy a touch. At one point I was very annoyed and began to scream, it was only later that the mum told me she was afraid someone would hav told me off. Afterwards I felt ashamed for not being perfect children, for swearing in front the little children and yelling and fighting about trivial matters. I was so horrified for setting a bad example for these children. Later we had a big lunch and ran for the train but missed it. I was feeling very uncomfortable on this particular day as the night before my p plate had arrived. Now flushing the toilet with two buckets of water was absolutely vital to ensure that I didn't scare anyone in the house. Food didn't taste as good, and I was happy to go to any digusting public toilet just to avoid the two bucket flushing. After the shopping we rushed home and decided to go swimming. The local pool was closed unfortunately so we made our way back home.The rest of the afternoon was spent doing very little. I was feeling sick from the car journey, and heat was very unpleasant. The dad was cooking, and I remembering thinking what a nice male he was. He cooked, he cleaned and did the daily chores. On top of this he knew how to have a good time, and he treated us with such great care. I had grown such great respect for him. How he continued to carry the family despite all the chaos and trouble. I wanted to tell him, 'you're great, you can't compare to other men'...but I couldn't, I just thought it, and hoped he knew it. The rest of the night we spent watching movies, and gossiping as per usual. I had to bucket flush the toilet twice again. For some odd reason despite the inconvinience of this act, I didn't seem care all that much. It seemed quite normal all of sudden and I just filled the bucket automactically whenever I needed to go to the toilet. I slept well again.
Monday 19th January-Day5
Mamamia woke me again. She told me that it wasn't nice to stay in the room on the last day and that we should spend as much time with the host family as possible. So I did my usual toilet project, re-packed my suitcase, put my contacts in (endured the pain) and made my way to the lounge and sat there for the rest of the day before we had to depart. The dad made us special food again, and when it was time to leave it was sad. I felt guilty for leaving them, I wanted to stay a little longer and say that it was all going to be okay, that they'd get through this hard time and everything would be fine. I wanted to stay to make sure they always had fun in their lives, and I wanted to apologize for judging them and their house. I made one more journey to the toilet and promised myself that I'd come back before making up my mind and leavng. The dad dropped us off at the station and we made our way to Central Station. Mamamia decided it was necessary to walk with our heavy bags, in the blistering sun, for miles and miles, in search of places to shop and eat. Off course we were unsuccessful and my constant complaining and whinging was getting to everybody else so we made our way to the airport. It was perfect timing. We ate and made our way to the boarding gate and came home on a some what highly uneventful flight. I had decided to leave my insane crush in Sydney, and move on as the plane took off. The male flight attendant was gorgeous. I had burried myself in a book, but smiled at him when I had entered the flight, and once more when he was walking down the aisle. When he asked me for food, he had waved his hand in front of my book cheekily to get my attention to which I had replied..'No thank you, I'm alright'...He stood next to me serving other passengers for at least 10 minutes. I missed everything that happened in the book for those 10 minutes and spent every second wondering whether this white flight attendant would want a black curry girl such as myself. The issue was baffling. Later I was some what reassured by the bussinessman sitting next to me, who had told me I was more Australian than Sri Lankan. Unfortuanetly all the confidence I had built disapeared in the space of a second when on the way out of the plane my bag got stuck on a seat and I had to pull it out, blocking all the other passengers. Whilst his smile was warming, I horrified at myself for being so clumsy and wanted to go back with some ridiculous excuse, just to fix what I had done and to leave him wanting me. So much for that, the next thing my grandmother's bag got tangled on some odd object causing an even more larger catastrophe on the way out. Passengers were blocked, and I was horried...thus causing me to purposely ignore the situation and walk out like everyone else without stopping to help. Deep Sea Dragon picked us up from the airport. The car journey home was quiet and sombre. I couldn't figure out why. My early attempts to make the situation brighter had failed, and considering nobody else wanted to contribute to making it better I couldn't understand why I was trying. So I gave up too. Home was so welcoming, everything seemed so much more luxurious, and I had to carry no buckets into the toilet. I couldn't help thinking about the past days, my host family, their house, the cat, him, his wife and his kid, the heat, the toilet and my experience. Can't wait to go back...
xoxo
N

Pre-Trip...

Less than 5 hours before i board the flight...(destination:sydney)...i'm the least excited living person on earth. I dun't no if its the evidence that i happened to pick up during my facebook stalking that Romeo still has a life despite the break up and I don't, which has made me feel this way, OR if its just the fact that I'm missing out Facsist Forkbrain's bf Nut's partay...and the cricket game on friday....off course both these events will b highli exclusive with appearances from individuals of the highest calibre...missing out on such events reduces my chances of being involved in several photo's and also carrying conversions with certain indiviuals (aka M) to get to know them better....
I guess on top of this its the added stress and fear of something going horribly wrong whilst we holiday in a foreign state.....Mamamia was already showing signs of stess last night, incessantly screaming at trivial matters that really required no attention at all.

Am restless, can't be bothered to move anywhere, can't be bothered to clean my room...I want someone's company, or should I say, I need someone's company, I want to know really why Romeo left me, I want answers from him, I want him to be equally miserable as I am, I want him to come running back to me so I can cruelly reject him, I want M to care that I exist, I want to look at myself in the mirror and see myself as beautiful once again, and most of all I want to be happy...I'm sick of constantly being sombre and waiting for life to take a new path, start a new journey.....

GGRRR!
xoxo
N

Nothing is satisfying.....AT ALL..!!...

I woke up this morning to the screams of Juvenile delinquent downstairs terrorizing my poor grandmother (who loves him with all her heart despite the ill-treatment she receives from him)...On some occasions its unfathomable to properly iterate how much anger strikes in my mind when I think of him. He is disgustingly careless, self-fish and quite possibly will be one of the major reasons as to why our children will die as a result of global warming and drought in the future. He has no value for money and treats the few women in his life (his mother, grandmother and sister) who love him dearly like the piss of a pig on the streets of of a hobo town in India. So stumbling out of bed, the first thing I wanted to do was go downstairs and strangle him, however the fear that strikes in my heart when i think about the man he'll become was not strong enough to smother the putrid stench and taste of dry saliva in my mouth. So I made my way to the bathroom, cleaned my teeth, and felt dissatisfied about the job I had done as I still felt iccky...!...The hours following that were of equal disapointment. My hunger would not disapear, my face was itchy, my thighs felt huge (like i literally felt the pain of my skin streching giving brith to more hideous stretch marks), my hair was a constant burden and my clothes felt unclean. The activities I absorbed myself in were highly undproductive and the book I had carefully chosen to read was unbelievably uncaptivating. What a complete failure of a day. At one stage I was even mad at M for not protaying any sort of affection towards me. He didn't really care whether I was alive or lying in the streets of Uganda bloody and dirty starving and crying out for help. The point was he didn't give a fuck, and this was terrifying because this was exactly how it had initially been with Romeo. So i questioned myself, why I was putting all this effort into a lost cause, who was to eventually leave in another month never to be seen for 4 straight years (M is going to the airforce)...when all he'd eventually do was disapoint me like all the other men in my life. Why was i so bothered when none of them cared....maybe I can blame the forty degree heat for thoughts like this, maybe the blistering sun is reasons for why my day has been such an unsucess and maybe it'll all get better when it sets and the moon and the darkness initiates the night. *sigh*
xoxo
N

road to self-discoverance...

has been copius amounts of time since the last time i was here to express my depressions...at one stage i almost thought that i didn't even need this space nemore...how wrong i was....in fact i'm the least bit delighted to say that i hav returned at a shorter period than i expected...
i dun't no how to explian trully what it is that i have been and become over the past few months, but in all honesty its not something to be proud off. A life revolving around comprise to please certain individuals, arrogance and stupidity can be somewhat used to describe my digusting behaviour. The events during the past few days have made me dramatically change my outlook and re-enter my road to self-discovery...for one thing, i'm far from wise but it is absoluteli vital for me to stay sane and utmost distant from the lunatics who hav helped me shape my life in the past few months...

CAST
M-<3
Jugs-still high levels of ridiculous annoyance, defines 'clingy' and only uses my assistance to drown her boredom when her self-absorbed mind-numb bff is off pashing her equalli braindead bf.
Typewriterhead-JUG's bff
DonkeyKong-Typerwriterhead's bf
Rhubharb-in talking terms, IN LOVE with Facsist
Goose-sex on legs, *purrr*...if onli he were older...
Moose-Goose's sis
Romeo-exbf
Facsit Forkbrain-complicated woman that boys find intollerably sexy...
Cheapfuk-brother of DonkeyKong, RETARD!
Neon-M's bff...only insight i git into the lyf of M...


SUMMARY
Humanbeings make mistakes, its only natural to do so. Whilst on most occasions it does cause pain there's usually a lesson learnt along the way which ultimately helps to guide that individual in the right direction. So there's nothing really to REGRET...this is my general outlook wen it comes to most situations, however i must say this summer i have stumbled over one mistake that i shall never forgive myself for. And that was the decision to re-accept Romeo to enter my life. Reminiscing on my decision now I'm puzzled as to how i held the hope and courage to believe that he'd ever change, that he'd ever love me, that he'd ever treat me and respect me for whom i was. It's hard to consider why he became so special in my life to the point that i was willing to give up my virginity to him when clearly he was a selfish, cruel man who displayed no care or affection to anyone but himself...I must say his disguise is quite impressive, has most of the cast bewilldered. Facist Forkbrain, Jugs, Typewriterhead, Moose and even M are all lost in a world that paints him as the perfect 'nice guy'...and me as the untamed, imbecilic gf who was not good enough for his high standards...whilst the humiliation makes my stomach churn and my heart ache like its slowly being eaten alive by devil scorpions i'm too cowardly to tell anyone the truth, because I have no faith and courage in myself to believe that they too will take my side of the story into any sort of account at all. Whilst initially I thought i could live with the blood-curdlin pain, after the whispers i was unfortunate tonight to hear, i don't know whether i will survive....Cheapfuk is happily spreading plentiful rumours about my present status whilst Typewriterhead is also taking full advantage of the situation to re-iterate the idea that she is better than me...Jugs unsuccessfully denying the fact that she started the rumours in the first place and Facist Forkbrain is also trying her very best to hide the fact that she know pictures me as a pathetic, desperate woman with no culture.....in addition to this the entire cast is completely misunderstanding the situation at hand to placing me once again in a position that can only efficiently be described as complete..'jskfjsalfkjaslkfjaslk'....
I guess time is the only proper cure for this current predicament in one's life. Sooner or later i will come to terms with what happened and will forgive myself, and i will move on...till then...bare with me...
xoxo
N

'I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here'

PROLOGUE
Goose's partay end:Romeo wraps his festy arms around N...
Jugs's partay day after: Romeo and N pash in back seat of car
sometime l8er: Romeo and N agree to 'see each other'
Some more time goes by: Awkward conversations, and pash fests...
Current status: Romeo appears to be dead, or in a state of total ignorance, continues to be utterly rude and N sits and waits in total confusion!
THE LETTER: attempt I
Dear Romeo,
FUK U!
*bitch slap*
N
THE LETTER: attempt II
Dear Romeo,
Wuld lyk to be totally rational about the current situation. Although the proposition may be highly attractive, cutting of ur penis and feeding it to the centipedes wud fail to deal with the real issue at heart.
Honestly cannot fully comprehend who gav u permission to b a crotch stained schmuk!!! Am not ur personal ass clown, am individual with feelings. How dare u treat me lyk I'm some pathetic, depserate skank who has nothing better to do than to please u.
We had an agreement, and i made it V clear, that if u were uncomfortable in a relationship then to communicate it across to me. Unfortunately u chose silence! AND, silence FYI resulted in me being outrageiously angry...!!! Am not gona waste my lyf with a turd burglar such as urself...one who has no faith in nething...am not one of ur little numbnutty fake whores...
secondly wot type of fukd up cum guzzler r u to think that u can just go around being rude to me...i dun't care hw tired u are...even if the mafia were holding u hostage in cell in south france, i dunt need u to be rude to me...am ur girlfriend...am N...no one fukin speaks to me lyk that...!
U are a good-for-nothing, ass smelling jerk...nd i hope a magpie poops on ur face today...!
U don't deserve me....wot u need is a boneheaded slutfaced bitch...atleast she won't fukin care whether ur dead or alive cuz she'll b too busy doin another tool...just lyk ur ex yeh?...
N
EPILOGUE
'Until this moment, I never understood how hard it was to lose something you never had.'

xoxo
N

Goose's PARTAY

Believe it or not BUT, N was lucky enough to be invited to Goose's partay...although it feels lyk one is attending the golden globes in reality the event is a gross garage partay set in the streets of rapetown where no doubt there will be blaring music, overflowing alcohol, rowdy, immature, unfamiliar guests and way too many awkward silences for I, N. Am pretty confident 'isolation' is going to be my best friend tonight, then again am not even sure whether i can properly create any sort of conversation with 'isolation' either. AM A TOTAL LOOSER...!!!
Have created a cunning plan to drag Jugs along with me, so the level of discomfort will hopefulli be reduced from 'crazytown' to 'wow thats sad.' However this means living through her endless egotistical tantrums and successfully doing her infinite favours...after last friday i'm pretty sure that I can live with this...so am less worried than usual...
Am fearing meeting Romeo tonight...besides my usual conversational disasters with him am concerned that something out of the ordinary that only N culd do may occur. Maybe i may accidentakky set fire to his wee wee during a moment of pure hatred. The thing is, he broke my heart, ripped it into little pieces and slowly fed each bit to a pig...so the chances of this occuring is most probably high.
Then again if one is unable to complete this act of violence will quite happily set fire to Nasty Nos. I don't believe repulsion and destation are superior enough to describe the amount of digust i feel wen i see him. Usually my eyes start watering and i start splurting puke on individuals around me. Despite the impressiveness of this event his presence almost stopped me from attending, so meeting him tonight shoud be interesting. Shall take 15 dollars to repay him for the horrible night i expereinced a few weeks ago wen i went out with him. Will be difficult as he is so loved by the futile sluts and faggots attending this event.
Only thing that gives peace to my mind, and also maybe quite a bit of excitement is the fact that M, MAY be attending. However this circumstance may not be that pleasant, as I may once again make a fool out of myself in front of him. This may include something along the lines of throwing dung into his girlfriends mouth and pushing a porcupine into her arsehole. It may cause quite a lot of outrage, but then again that's the reason i've been invited.
Besides the fact that the Deep Sea Dragon already hates me, today will contribute towards worsening his outlook towards me. Returning home at an obsence hour...midnight (gosh how shameful) will make him probably enter into a pyscho convulsion and today will most probably result with me sleeping outside.
Really looking forward to 2nite...must pik out dres...so shall dash...
xoxo
N