Nothing is satisfying.....AT ALL..!!...

I woke up this morning to the screams of Juvenile delinquent downstairs terrorizing my poor grandmother (who loves him with all her heart despite the ill-treatment she receives from him)...On some occasions its unfathomable to properly iterate how much anger strikes in my mind when I think of him. He is disgustingly careless, self-fish and quite possibly will be one of the major reasons as to why our children will die as a result of global warming and drought in the future. He has no value for money and treats the few women in his life (his mother, grandmother and sister) who love him dearly like the piss of a pig on the streets of of a hobo town in India. So stumbling out of bed, the first thing I wanted to do was go downstairs and strangle him, however the fear that strikes in my heart when i think about the man he'll become was not strong enough to smother the putrid stench and taste of dry saliva in my mouth. So I made my way to the bathroom, cleaned my teeth, and felt dissatisfied about the job I had done as I still felt iccky...!...The hours following that were of equal disapointment. My hunger would not disapear, my face was itchy, my thighs felt huge (like i literally felt the pain of my skin streching giving brith to more hideous stretch marks), my hair was a constant burden and my clothes felt unclean. The activities I absorbed myself in were highly undproductive and the book I had carefully chosen to read was unbelievably uncaptivating. What a complete failure of a day. At one stage I was even mad at M for not protaying any sort of affection towards me. He didn't really care whether I was alive or lying in the streets of Uganda bloody and dirty starving and crying out for help. The point was he didn't give a fuck, and this was terrifying because this was exactly how it had initially been with Romeo. So i questioned myself, why I was putting all this effort into a lost cause, who was to eventually leave in another month never to be seen for 4 straight years (M is going to the airforce)...when all he'd eventually do was disapoint me like all the other men in my life. Why was i so bothered when none of them cared....maybe I can blame the forty degree heat for thoughts like this, maybe the blistering sun is reasons for why my day has been such an unsucess and maybe it'll all get better when it sets and the moon and the darkness initiates the night. *sigh*
xoxo
N